He would stumble back to heaven

When I was a child of 5/6/7
we had a neighborhood mascot
a man, gnarled/bent/white
to a child he seemed ancient
(though in hindsight,
he was closer to 45/55/65)

He would tell us children
that he was God
we had no reason to doubt
He would also, eat uncooked noodles,
and sometimes,
when he smelled soured
with death/whiskey/wine
he would dance a mighty jig
sing out "CHARGE!"
and run head-first into the nearest
tree/dumpster/brick-wall
then bleeding, and clutching a bottle
he would stumble back to heaven

 

Published March 18, 2012

 

Then we melt again

Lover,
I left you
for a moment.
then returned
to find you,
coming again.
somehow,
we've crystallized
into one
sweating, thriving
creature.
thighs. sex. black hair.
all melted together.
friction, (like God)
works in
mysterious ways.
we rip,
we tear,
we manage
somehow.
to separate
into our
former shapes.
"I'll give you
an hour,"
she whispers
"then we melt again."

 

Published March 19, 2012

 

The Cadaver

there's an apocalyptic tint to the sky
"God has died!"
the world leaders cry
a huge Cadaver has fallen from heaven
and is now floating in the Atlantic
head against the grime
of New York City
toes scraping the docks
of rainy London
whales (confused and pissed off)
sing louder
only to have their songs dampened
by the once radiant robes of the Allmighty
as the once radiant folds of the fabric
float gently over the sea
the worlds leaders scurry to devise a plan
they can't just leave the Cadaver
even the creators flesh would surely rot
and who wants to smell rotting God
(an unseemly prospect for sure)

"Sink it! Let the fish feast!"

"Tie rockets to its fingers and send it back to heaven!"

"Blow it up!! Messy, but effective!"

the arguments raged,
theories were weighed,
but no solutions came
after two weeks time
the huge Cadaver sighed
and in a still whisper of a voice
asked

"Why did not one of you jerks
bother to check my pulse?!"

we couldn't answer............

"I was only resting!"

what could we say.............

with another sigh
God was gone
never to be heard from again

IT'S HALF OVER BITCHES!!!

I recently found the following entry in a journal that my gf had given me when I was 16.  I don't know why I chose to wait 20 years to write in it, and when I did this is the best I could do, but oh well.  It was a drunken rant that was scribbled on a lonely October night of last year.  Is it funny?  A bit....


10-3-11


This journal was given to me when I was 16 by the perfect girl.  I always thought she was too good for me, and  I've struggled with that doubt FOR 20 F@CKIN' YEARS!!  IT IS TIME TO CHANGE!!!


I've never had a healthy relationship (some my own fault, some not), but mostly my self-doubt has led me to be with women I shouldn't be with, or to sabotage everything when I was with someone I may have actually had a chance with.   IT IS TIME TO CHANGE!!!


Today I start anew.  Not just relationships, but finances, goals.  I'm a fantastic dreamer, but a terrible doer.  I'm dreaming my life away while doing nothing.  What's the old song say?  Dream, Dream, Dream, but the only problem is G-whiz, I'm dreaming my life away.  Catchy song, sounds happy, but that line it tragic, and in my case biographic.   IT IS TIME TO CHANGE!!!


Steps for new goals and positive thinking (in no particular order)

1.  Start my t-shirt buisness
2.  Quit smoking (shit, I like smoking)
3.  Get in better shape!
4.  Overcome crippling self-doubt (duh)
5.  Live for today, not yesterday, not tomorrow
6.  Paint more
7.  Write more
8.  Manage money better!! (time to grow up fucker!)
9.  Be more social
10.  Take some art classes
11.  Start taking photos (get a good camera)
12.  Record an album (finally!!!)
13.  Quit procrastinating jackass!!
14.  Start meditating
15.  Be free to be me
16.  Stop f@ckin' off!!!
17.  Don't waste whole days watching netflix!!
18.  Motivate the kids (be a better dad)
19  NO drugs?
20.  Yoga?
21.  Quit being a cynical ass (give in and read a self-help book, but not the secret)
22.  LET GO OF IT!  Shitty childhood, mom and dad, religious hypocrisy....ALL OF IT!  What does it matter now?  Your almost 40 years old!  F@ck your childhood!

10 things I like about me:

1.  I'm creative
2.  I'm a good dad (for the most part)
3.  I'm generous
4.  Smart (for the most part)
5.  I look good for my age (haven't given up yet)
6.  Great taste in music
7.  Unique
8.  Don't follow the taste crowd
9. I'm well read
10.  I'm talented

This is the year, this is the year, this is the year.
I'm a new man, rebirthed at 36!

36 36 36
It's half over bitches!!!
The adventure starts now!!!

I copied this word for word in all its drunken glory, Amen...............................J

Mission Statement

Ok, so here it goes.  The point is to force myself to change.  I will drag myself kicking and screaming into a new sense of self.  I'm tired of being me.  I don't want to die.  I just want to be someone else!

Steps I've taken?  I started reading my first self-help book. ( I never thought that would happen!  Jesus, Paul, and Ringo!  I've always smirked my way through life, and now I'm shuffling down the self-help aisle with hungry soccer moms!)  The book is The New Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, and forgive my sarcastic soul for saying this, but it is actually GOOD!  Who knew?  There might be something to this shit!

I'm also "planning'' on working out.  I have a half-assed idea of running a marathon, but I should probably quit smoking first.

I also started painting (or trying to).  I figure another creative outlet can't hurt right?

Umm, let's see.  I quit masturbating. (Not really, why the hell would I quit masturbating?  A man has to draw the line somewhere!)

I started a blog.  ( I want a place to share my experience as I undertake this challenge, the point is not if anybody reads it, but to keep me honest.)

So, to sum it all up.  I am (at 30 some odd years of age) going to totally rebirth myself.  To become a new man, and to finally fix what my parents (and ex-wives, and myself) have fucked up so badly.  After 30 some odd years of f@ckin' up I am changing my ways.  So I will be sharing my story (hairy warts and all), and also poetry and other tidbits that I feel apply to this journey.  Thanks.......................................................J